it's a new season.

waiting on the world to change.

this morning, as i was driving to work, i passed a field of sunflowers just as the song "waiting on the world to change" came on the radio.

it was early, before 8:30. the sky was a new york standard - foggy and gray with a small amount of sunglow peeking through. not even enough to say that the sun was shining.

but there they were - the sunflowers. i found myself looking at an entire field of backs of sunflower heads. their faces were turned to the east, toward that dim, weak, filmy sunlight.

is that all it takes to change direction?

a slim haze of light, a crumb, a scrap, a breath, a barely-there thought in the foggy morning.

help, i'm down here!

i'm here. i moved. i am internet-less until next weekend.

and may i just say.

it is so nice to move when you have more than $163.50 to your name, which is how i have done it every time i have moved except this one.

not that i'm rolling in it, but i can afford groceries and TP and stuff. like a grownup or something.

wow.

anyway, i'll be around more in about a week!

boy, i tell ya.

last week, i spent the entire week having my brain sucked out of my head with a straw participating in a CI event at work.

while i was doing that, ERIC GOT THE JOB.

whee!!

so, over the weekend, we found an apartment, signed a lease, and plopped down a big chunk of change. and then i cried. and then my bank account cried.

and then, this week? another brain suck. three words: internal auditor training. three clause-filled days of it. oh yeah. you want to BE me!

don't you???

anywho. in my infinite wisdom, i scrambled around this afternoon at work so that i will be able to take tomorrow off. somehow, some way, i gotta get my brain back.

so, tomorrow i will be scrubbing cupboards and putting down shelf liner and unpacking dishes and pots and pans. and then maybe? i'll cook something! in my own kitchen!

or, i might just melt into a puddle. i'll have to take it as it comes.

the wait might be over.

that's all i know for now.

let's just say that SOMEone (who happens to be engaged to the author of this blog) got a voice mail from an HR representative today. regarding the interview that he went to on friday.

both of our brains are zipping along at a billion miles per hour. hopefully he gets in touch with her tomorrow.

change! bring it.

waiting never was my strength.

i am filled with bad qualities. i'm lazy. i tend to want to be right all the time. i have a sugar addiction. to name a few.

also: i want. all the time. instant gratification has been my lifelong quest. i have wasted so much time lamenting my lack of ability to achieve instant gratification that i could have plodded on to some worthwhile goals by now.

the waiting! i dropped eric off and now i have to wait. so, for now, i am sitting in a coffeeshop and desperately trying not to chug my nonfat hazelnut latte. while also trying desperately not to strangle the 15-year-olds that are flirting behind me. they're pretending to be studying, but there is way too much giggling and "um... i don't KNOOOOW"-ing going on for it to be legitimate studying. "hehehehehehe!!!"

it makes me glad that i will never have to be a 15-year-old again. anywho. off to continue waiting with absolutely zero patience and grace.

job. job. job. job. job. job.

tomorrow, eric has a job interview.

it's an important job interview. he needs the job.

WE need the job. we want to get married. get a place.

all those pesky things that young folks in love strive for.

anyway. keep him in your thoughts, prayers, meditations, chants... whatever.

job. job. job. job. job. job.

in honor of my biopsy.

it'll make your life better.

do you hear that? it's the sound of angels singing. the sky has opened. the rains have ceased. i finally, at long last, found my one true love.

don't tell eric.

i have been wanting something like this since i first saw OPI's Grape Wall of China in action: a nice matte purple-y color that wasn't too light.

i got mine at rite-aid. it's from the sally hansen complete salon line. it has an awesome wide brush that makes application a breeze. once you get used to the feel, you can cover an entire fingernail with ONE pass.

this color went on my toes about a week ago and i don't see how i'm ever going to stop painting them this color. it's beautiful. magical. shiny. smooth. purple.

you'll love it. unless, of course, you don't like purple. in which case... i'm sorry, i can't help you.

your problems lie outside my area of expertise.

in the clear.

well. not that you knew, but i had a biopsy recently.

although i never freaked out and had any kind of meltdown over it, i was still moderately freaked out. me? a biopsy?

NO. that was what i wanted to say, right up until the biopsy was actually BEING taken.

do you think i face problems head on, or that i try to avoid dealing with them at all costs? just guess.

anyway. i had the biopsy. and it hurt. and i was afraid. and cold. and alone.

it was the low, slow kind of afraid that doesn't really believe that i will ever hear the word cancer when my health is discussed. but. it recognizes that anything is possible.

so, yes. this motivated me to finally mail in my life insurance beneficiary designation forms, a year and a half after i actually got life insurance.

but, today i got a phone call informing me that i am CLEAR. all clear. healthy as a horse, as my doctors always seem to like to tell me.

awesome.

my lean cuisine life.

i know i haven't really been tearing it up over here. i have just felt like i haven't had much to say.

today, when i was eating a lean cuisine for lunch, i realized why.

lean cuisines are sort of weird. boring. unsatisfying.

they look like food, even though they rarely look like the picture on the box.

they kind of taste like food.

they actually all taste the same to me, and they leave me with a bad aftertaste. on the upside, they do manage to get calories, protein, fiber, and nutrients into my body.

they never satisfy me. i feel like i just gulped down a giant glass of air with sauce after i eat a lean cuisine. and then? 20-30 minutes later, i'm ravenous.

this is how i feel about my life. it looks like a normal life. i get up and go about my daily routine, i do fun things on the weekends, i hold down a job, etc. my life is like a lean cuisine imitation of a really awesome and satisfying life. it looks great, but leaves a bit to be desired in the satisfaction and flavor department.

that's so sad. i used to be one of those people who believed that "only boring people get bored." i have done a lot, i have tried new things, i have dug deep.... and i'm chronically, helplessly, dispairingly BORED.

duck, duck, goose... minus the ducks.

a few of my favorite things.

i realize...

i have not been very talkative lately. i have been feeling a lot of things shift on the inside for the past few weeks and i'm not quite sure how to write about it - or even if i want to write about it.

i'm still alive and kicking.

take a minute

have you ever really taken your time eating something that you just assumed you always liked?

for instance, my world has been rocked every march by the arrival of mcdonald's shamrock shakes. this year, on my second one of the season, i finally slowed down enough to actually taste it.

i didn't like the way it tasted.

just now, i raided a bag of riesen that i bought at the grocery store last night. i popped one into my mouth and just let it sit there.

the chocolate tastes terrible! it's so chemically and sweet.

it's a complete difference from the way i usually eat them, which is just to chow down on them and just get blissed out by all of the chewy goodness.

i might be on to something, here.

wicked.

so, i put wicked on hold at the library on january 20th and it still isn't in.

is it really worth it?

i mean, i'm 1 of 8 on the hold list, so of course i'm going to wait... but sheesh.

is it that good? 3 months of waiting?

say what you want...

but this song is just... part of my soul.

just another day in freakland.

for the past two nights i have been dreaming of botched easter cakes (think cake wrecks). i have been alternately disappointed that the cakes were wrecked, then happy because i could take pictures of them, then disappointed when i woke up and realized that the wrecks, the pictures, and the cakes in general, didn't exist.

last night on my way to pick eric up from work, i wrote two country songs. while i was waiting for him, i sketched out a few characters for a book.

this morning i have already pondered, deeply, and for like, 2 hours, separation of church and state. i'm even thinking about writing an essay.

i'm staring at a giant vase full of mostly dead flowers and i am kind of fascinated by the new color palette.

my back hurts, my nose is stuffy, and i ate pretzel rods and diet coke for breakfast.

this is me, at 100%.

my dear commenters:

when i set up this blog, i neglected to input an e-mail address for comment notification. that means that over the past few weeks, i didn't realize that anyone was reading or commenting.

imagine my delight (that you're reading) and sorrow (that i missed you) when i actually visited my own blog today and saw the comments!

i am so sorry for my oversight in this matter. henceforth, i shall be notified of new comments and i will do my best to respond in a timely manner.

i love new york.

because, just when you think you can't take one more day of looking at the sharp, harsh edges of the dead landscape?

new york comes through.